oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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