hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think my fart just growled at me.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
