Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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