Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
