i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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