gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
