peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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