Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
