Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
