Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
