Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
