It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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