you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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