Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize