Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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