I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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