I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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