I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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