Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Two words: blizzard sex
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
