I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
