: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize