First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
