I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
