I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
