I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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