that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
