turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
