Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We need to rekindle our bromance
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
