remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
