Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
