I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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