I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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