He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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