your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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