Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
