so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
