i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
