The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
