i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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