Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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