I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
