When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
