God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Never joke about your clitoris.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
