so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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