I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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