dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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