this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
