He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
