i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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