I hate all girls vehemently.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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