Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
