Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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