Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
