So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
