Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
