I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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