I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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