Yo dont text me then not text me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize