new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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