barbara walters just said penis...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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