your thong is hanging out like whoa
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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