You made me cry and you don't even care
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
