Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
