Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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