I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
