I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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