Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
