Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
