he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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