god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
